Award Shows

Tonight I am watching the Emmys. I should be at a parent devo at church, but thanks to a lovely cold that has developed a joyous fever, I am at home by myself. This should be an enjoyable evening, watching the awards in piece and quiet, as the kiddos are at the devo. So why am I in tears?

Because Mark isn't here to make sarcastic comments and give me a hard time for watching the show.

My Reason Why

Today, I did something rather out of character for me - I got a tattoo. It is a charm bracelet around my left ankle, with a puzzle piece charm. The charm has Mark's initial and the Marine Corps symbol on it, all of which signify Mark - he loved doing puzzles and he was an active-duty Marine for 25 years. As some of my family and friends don't understand why I did this, I thought I would explain my reasoning.

The bottom line is that Mark was a wonderful man who deserves to be remembered and thought of every day. Right now I think of him every waking hour, but I don't know what my thinking patterns will be ten years, fifteen years, from now. It bothered me to contemplate there being a day when he wasn't remembered with love. He saved me from myself and deserves more than not being part of memories each day. I wanted a physical reminder of what he means to me for the rest of my life, which led to me the idea of a tattoo.

For many years, I wanted a tattoo - I'm not sure why, they just fascinated me. However (and ironically), Mark didn't like tattoos and always told me he would not stay married if I ever got one. (I was never mad enough at him to test that viewpoint, but doubt he would have followed through with his threat!) For a short while, I discarded the idea of a tattoo because of his preference, but then decided that I had to live this life without him, and I do believe he would understand why I've made this choice.

While some of my family have expressed their displeasure at my decision, I was reassured by a talk with my Grandpa. Grandpa Bridges is a 95-yr. old Iowan who grew up on a farm and is as conservative as they come. When I told him what I was planning and why, he told me that he thought it was a good choice for me.

This tattoo is for noone else but me. It isn't for show, it isn't for the sake of art, and it isn't an effort for me to recapture my youth. When I look at this, I will think of the man I will always love. I will be able to tell stories about Mark for years to come because if this tattoo is noticed, people will ask why I have a tatto. He deserves to always, ALWAYS, be remembered.

My Girl and Her Daddy

My princess is turning 13 years old in a couple of weeks. My baby is going to be a teenager?! It seems like just a few years ago we were bringing her home. So tiny, the size of a newborn at six months old, she has been the source of great joy and great angst. Joy, because when she loves, she LOVES. Angst, because when she hurts, I hurt to my very core.

Tonight, I held my girl in my arms as she sobbed about her upcoming birthday. Becoming a teenager is a milestone in every child's life, one she had been looking forward to since she turned twelve. Recently, however, her birthday has become a source of sadness for her. She is facing this birthday without her daddy.

You have to understand, this girl of mine is a true-to-the-bone daddy's girl. This child would run to the window when I picked her up from daycare looking for her daddy. Now by the time I got to the car, she was loving me, but for a few minutes, all she wanted, EVERY DAY, was her daddy. When she was upset, I would find her curled up at her daddy's side. If she was in trouble with me, she would go straight to her daddy for comfort. (To his credit, Mark always supported my decisions in front of her.) There was never any doubt in her mind that her daddy thought she was the star of his world.

Now, she faces the teenage years without the man who was everything to her. Yes, she has her memories, but she'd rather have her daddy. And this is something her mom can't fix.