Don't Mess Up

Last night, the princess opened up to me about some situations that are going on at school with which she is struggling. It was when she was laying in bed, right before going to sleep. (Isn't that when our children always tell us the important things?) I gave her my view on how to handle the situation, what I thought might be going on in the other person's head. She listened, added a few things, and we said our usual nighttime routine talk. I went to bed feeling good that she had opened up to me.

But then, around 3:00 a.m., I woke up with a start. I begin thinking, I hope I am not messing this up. At her age, it is not often she opens her heart about how she is feeling with school issues. I am an old mom, what do I know? This time, she took a chance with me, talking to me about something important to her. I don't want to mess up these opportunities. I want her to feel like her mom will listen, giving advice only when asked, listening always when needed. Did I overshare, go on too long? Did I really hear the undercurrent of what she was saying/asking? All I can do is keep praying that God keeps her heart open to her mom and Him. And that I don't mess up this motherhood of teens.

Full House

So right now I have a full house. The princess has two friends spending the night, and the prince has one friend over. A sleepover the night before the one morning I could sleep in for quite a while? What am I thinking?!

I am thinking that my girl needs to have some time with friends who love her. And the prince hasn't ever had someone sleep over other than cousins. He is so happy. I'd rather be tired and hear happiness in my children's voices than sleep a couple of extra hours. Sleep I can catch up on (someday!) - happiness for my children should be grabbed whenever possible.

But I might be grumpy tomorrow.... :-)

Life

It is almost 4 in the morning, and I've been up since before 2 a.m. Why? I don't really know. Maybe the train outside, maybe the thoughts running through my head. So here is a bit of random.

I still miss Mark greatly. Every day, I realize more and more how much of a friend he was to me. He was more than just my husband. He was my best friend. The person who knew every single thing about me and loved me anyway. He knew all of my secrets.

Going through life without a dad is becoming more difficult for my Princess. Especially these teen years. Every time she sees a friend with a father, she withdraws a bit more from activities. More and more time is spent with me - which I love, but I wish it wasn't because she was hurting. And it doesn't seem like many understand why it is still so difficult for her. After all, it has been over a year and a half. But what people don't realize, is that the first year is like a vacuum - you focus on just getting through the day. Then you start to realize what happened. Reality sets in.

There are times when I feel like I'm not enough for my children. That in some way, my only-parent parenting won't be enough. There is no back-up, and it is so hard to feel like I'm doing right by them. As such, I'm spending quite a bit of time in prayer.

Obviously, it isn't the easiest of days. I should go get at least another hour of sleep. But that probably won't happen.

Gee, those trains are loud tonight/this morning.

Merry Christmas Eve, Mark!

Merry Christmas, Mark. You are missed and loved every day. We think of you all the time, and not a day goes by without one of us talking about a memory of you.

We love you. Enjoy this holiday in Heaven.

The Holidays

So I thought the holidays wouldn't be a problem. We'd have my parents here for both, and while there might be sadness, we'd get through okay. But the closer they come, the more I realize it will be harder than anticipated. Part of the problem? Two words - Christmas shopping. I have no desire to go shopping. My children deserve to celebrate, but I don't want to go shopping for presents, either at the stores or online.

So what do I do?

I Wish

I wish someone besides me remembered the day Mark died every month.

I wish I could get enough energy and where-with-all to do housework every day.

I wish my children would do their schoolwork completely and turn it all in on time.

I wish there weren't so many things in the house that seem to need fixing.

I wish I would stop feeling sorry for myself.

I wish exercise came more naturally to me.

I wish I prayed and read the Bible more.

I wish that my feelings were more charitable towards others.

I wish I would stop feeling that shade of sadness behind everything I do.

Too many wishes. Perhaps some day the wishes will be reality.

In the meantime, this video expresses my silent plea.

Award Shows

Tonight I am watching the Emmys. I should be at a parent devo at church, but thanks to a lovely cold that has developed a joyous fever, I am at home by myself. This should be an enjoyable evening, watching the awards in piece and quiet, as the kiddos are at the devo. So why am I in tears?

Because Mark isn't here to make sarcastic comments and give me a hard time for watching the show.