He Should Be Here

This is not really a good day. Mark should be here. He should have seen his girl play her violin last night. He should have made bacon to go along with the hash browns and eggs this morning. He should have congratulated his boy on winning the 200m race at his track meet. He should be here.

Every time I make coffee, I am reminded that he is not here. You see, I have one of those pots that keeps the water hot so it doesn't take as long to brew a pot of coffee. Since I am not making a pot of coffee everyday (I reheat what is left on the in between days), some of the water evaporates inside the heater, and the results are a less-than-full pot. He should be here.

I am tired of feeling apathetic about life. I am not okay. I may say I am, but I am not. I am tired of dealing with stressful situations on my own, without his counterbalance. I am tired of feeling like he could walk in any second. I am just plain tired. He should be here.

So many sentences with "I," no sentences with "we." He should be here.

If I could hole up in my house and never see anyone, I would. But the children would suffer, and they were his world. I can't let them, or Mark, down. His library needs to be cleaned and straightened, but I can't bring myself to go in the room. Right after he passed, I was gung-ho about moving forward, going through items. Now, I avoid certain areas like the plague. He should be here.

Please don't feel sorry for me - I am feeling enough of that for myself. Don't worry about me - soon enough, I will pick myself up, and get on with the rest of my day. My days aren't spent in this mood, this is just the way I am feeling in this moment. I will be okay, it might just take a while. I just need to remember the title of this blog, and not focus on the big picture right now.

I am just feeling....

He should be here.