Heaven Can't Wait

Today is one of those days that heaven can't wait for me. I have a job I enjoy, marvelous children, a family who loves and cares for me, and yet the feelings of lonliness sometimes threaten to overwhelm me. When will these feelings end? When will I stop feeling alone? It seems like the more time that passes from when Mark died, the more the darkness grows in the pit of my stomache. Not every day, not often, but every once in a while, the grief is so great that I want to hide from everyone, including my children. Those are the times that I truly realized Mark was more than a husband - he was my very best friend. And while there are people that would listen to me express those feelings, I don't feel that they would understand my emotions after 2+ years not seeming to have improved. How could they, when I don't understand myself. I. Do. Not. Like. Being. A. Widow.

The Car is Gone....

So, my parents came and picked up my car this morning, which now becomes their car. Mark and I bought this car from my Grandpa a little over two years ago when he (Mark) switched companies and didn't have a company car anymore. It is a 1997 Buick Park Avenue, and is the most comfortable car to drive. Long and big, it was sometimes a challenge for me to park (I do have parking issues), but it was sooo comfortable. I did like that car.

But practicality came to the forefront. With Mark gone, I do not need two cars. Parking both cars in the garage was a challenge for me. (Remember, I do have parking issues.) My insurance would go down without two cars. And because the Highlander is newer, I decided that I would need to sell the Buick. Thankfully, it is staying in the family, going to my parents.

With all of the paperwork, etc., I've had to handle since Mark passed, I thought this would be one of the easiest to deal with, since it is just a car. But it wasn't simple. It was hard. Having two cars, it was easier to pretend Mark was just on a business trip. See? His car is in the driveway, he isn't really gone. But when my parents drove away this morning, my pretense went with them.

I am now a one-car family. On my own.

He Should Be Here

This is not really a good day. Mark should be here. He should have seen his girl play her violin last night. He should have made bacon to go along with the hash browns and eggs this morning. He should have congratulated his boy on winning the 200m race at his track meet. He should be here.

Every time I make coffee, I am reminded that he is not here. You see, I have one of those pots that keeps the water hot so it doesn't take as long to brew a pot of coffee. Since I am not making a pot of coffee everyday (I reheat what is left on the in between days), some of the water evaporates inside the heater, and the results are a less-than-full pot. He should be here.

I am tired of feeling apathetic about life. I am not okay. I may say I am, but I am not. I am tired of dealing with stressful situations on my own, without his counterbalance. I am tired of feeling like he could walk in any second. I am just plain tired. He should be here.

So many sentences with "I," no sentences with "we." He should be here.

If I could hole up in my house and never see anyone, I would. But the children would suffer, and they were his world. I can't let them, or Mark, down. His library needs to be cleaned and straightened, but I can't bring myself to go in the room. Right after he passed, I was gung-ho about moving forward, going through items. Now, I avoid certain areas like the plague. He should be here.

Please don't feel sorry for me - I am feeling enough of that for myself. Don't worry about me - soon enough, I will pick myself up, and get on with the rest of my day. My days aren't spent in this mood, this is just the way I am feeling in this moment. I will be okay, it might just take a while. I just need to remember the title of this blog, and not focus on the big picture right now.

I am just feeling....

He should be here.