17 August 2016 - Wednesday Hodgepodge

Another post? And it hasn't been half a year?!

1. I read here four creative activities to try this month. They were-calligraphy, make your own cookbook, dance or learn a new type of dance, and letter writing. Which activity on the list appeals to you most? Will you add it to your August?

To be honest, none of them. :-) If forced to choose, I'd suppose letter writing.

2. Bertrand Russell is quoted as saying, 'To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness.' Agree or disagree? Explain. 

How can you know what happiness is without sadness? I agree.

3. August 17th is National Thriftshop Day...are you a 'thrifter'? If so, tell us about one of your best or favorite finds. 

I LOVE to thrift; however, I don't usually have fabulous luck with it. Once, though, I did find crystal deviled egg platter that I just love, and it was only $1!

4.  On a scale of 1-10 (with 1= almost none and 10=loads) how would you rate your sense of wanderlust? What kicks your wanderlust into high gear? 

Maybe a 2 - I traveled quite a bit when I was in my 20s and 30s, and am quite content to be at home, or visit family.

5. Has life felt more like a marathon or sprint so far this month? How so?

Life is a marathon for me, right now. There is so much that always needs doing, and there is just one of me. However, I try to always remember Philippians 4:13.

6. What do you need to get a jump on before fall officially arrives? 

My yard needs some serious work. It is just so hot and humid here, though, that I've been able to talk myself out of trimming and pulling weeds. I can't put it off any longer now!

7. What's the last thing you did with friends or family where you lost track of time? 

Whenever my two children come sit on my bed and talk at night, the time flies so fast, and the next thing I know, it is 11:30 p.m.! And I always am up by 5:30 a.m.

8. Insert your own random thought here.

It is very hard to parent a child that is vastly different than yourself. But one day, I'll get it right!

Wednesday Hodgepodge

It has been six months since I last posted - I guess it is about time for a new post. :-)

1. On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your summer so far? Why?
(1=eh and 10=best summer ever)

While I don't really want to be negative, I'd say a 4. While there have been spots of wonderfulness (I'm saying it is a word!), the challenges are many. Plus the humidity is not good for my positivity. 

2. July 26th is National Aunts and Uncles Day. Did you have many aunts and uncles growing up? Were you especially close to any one or maybe all of them? Are you an aunt? (or uncle for the men who join here on Wednesdays) Share a favorite memory relating to one of your own aunts or uncles or relating to a niece or nephew who call you Aunt (or Uncle).

I have 3 uncles and one aunt on my father's side, and one uncle on my mother's side - plus their spouses. The first memory that pops to mind is when my Uncle Wayne (my dad's brother) told one of us children to get out of his chair. When we told him his name wasn't written on it, he turned the chair over, wrote his name on it with a big grin and said it did now! It just tickled me so.

3. What's your favorite food dipped in chocolate? What's your favorite food dipped in cheese?

I think pineapple dipped in chocolate is absolutely delicious. As for cheese, probably a tortilla chip - I just love nachos!

4. When were you last astonished by something? Explain.

The princess agreed to chaperone a youth group event. Since she is rather soft-spoken and reserved, it just surprised me - delighted me as well.

5. Surf board, paddle board, ironing board, Pinterest board, score board, clip board, bulletin board...which board have you most recently encountered?

Seeing as it is a good year if I iron once a year, it definitely wouldn't be an ironing board! I'd say a clip board.

6. What's your favorite story from scripture? Why that story?

Probably when Samuel asked for God to put words in his mouth before interpreting a king's dream. It reminds me to pray before speaking in difficult situations.

7. If you were to travel from the east coast to the west coast in your own country, which five cities would you most want to see?

Bar Harbor (I love the scenery, the food, everything), Pittsburgh (to eat at Primanti Brothers!), Savannah GA (one of my favorite cities), Cheyenne (the surrounding countryside has a desolate beauty), and Seattle (I've always wanted to visit there).

8. Insert your own random thought here.

There are times I think I really want to blog, but I'm never able to do so when that thought crosses my mind.

I Still Miss You

...and always will.

World Adoption Day

I had no idea that today was World Adoption Day! My world was totally changed for the better when we adopted first my son, then my daughter. They are God's greatest gifts to me, after His Son.

How did I know that today is World Adoption Day? Because I received the text below from my sweet, sweet, girl:

Love, love, love!

Knitting and Reading

Obviously, I am a terrible blogger. However, I do love knitting and reading. So, occasionally I will be prompted to post here!

Right now, I've been knitting dish cloths for my niece's shower in December. While I can do a couple of patterns from memory, that gets boring. So the pattern books have been pulled out, and that way, knitting them doesn't get boring. I just finished reading the book, Humans of New York: Stories. This is a wonderful book - have you ever seen people on the streets of your city, and wondered about their stories? Then this book will fill that itch. It reminds you that behind every facade, there is a back story.

A Personal Testimony

On Easter Sunday, our minister asked me to share my story in regards to the Resurrection. It was one of the most uncomfortable moments I have experienced, as speaking in public is not my forté. However, I spoke without (verbally) stumbling, and have decided to share what I said publicly. Below is what I had written out prior to speaking - it contains most of what I shared:

I am the third and youngest child of (now retired) a college professor/historian and an elementary school teacher, born and raised here in IL. We went to church every Sunday (American Baptist), I went to youth group every Sunday night, and choir practice on Wednesdays. While I knew how people who believed should act from my parents’ example, faith didn’t really connect with me. I never really prayed over situations, thanked God for blessings or asked for help in serious situations. When I was baptized as a teen, I believed in God, but I went forward only because all of my friends had been baptized, and I didn’t want to be the only one who didn’t take communion on the first Sunday of the month in my row. I hadn’t really accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior.

My life was stereotypically normal of a middle-class, Midwestern family. I went to school, to church, had a part-time job. My teen years did have trials and struggles, but I just pushed my way through them and did as expected of me. Graduated high school, and went to college. (U of I, btw – Go Illini!)  All this time, people would have said I was a good Christian girl, but it was really just face value. I didn’t have a personal relationship with God. After college graduation, I started to break free a bit from what was expected – I went in to the Peace Corps in Guatemala.

Here I was, a prim and proper Midwestern girl in a totally unfamiliar setting, teaching people about family gardening in a language that was the second language for both myself and the people I was teaching. Bit by bit, I adjusted, became comfortable. By then, I never really thought about God or religion/faith. I never even prayed at all. But then, I was raped by a former boyfriend. For months I didn’t tell anyone, hiding in my house, cringing every time a bus would come through the village. I wondered why God had allowed this to happen to me. It was the first time in quite a while that I thought about God at all – and it was only because of this crisis. I still didn’t turn to Jesus for help, but instead I pushed through, only telling a few people (because I needed some medical tests), and behaved in some ways of which I am not proud, not realizing that what I was doing not only hurting myself but others. Ignoring God.

I met my husband in Guatemala months after this happened – Mark was attached to the embassy; we were married after my tour was up and I went to live in Africa, where he was stationed after Guatemala, for a year before returning stateside. While Mark knew what had happened to me, I still didn’t really talk about it or deal with it, pushing it away. We tried to get pregnant for a couple of years, even going through infertility treatments, but I never could get pregnant. I started to think about God again, but not in a “let me turn to You” manner, but thinking that He was punishing me for what I’d done in response to being raped. I started praying again, this time asking for forgiveness, pleading for a child in whatever manner possible. I still felt like I was being punished, but finally He was starting to make me see that not getting pregnant wasn’t a punishment, but a blessing. That our family was meant to grow through adoption – with my wonderful children, [the prince], & my sweet [princess].

Once we had the children, I wanted to raise them in a church that looked like our family – multicultural. Honestly, I didn’t give much thought to the faith aspect; I just wanted them to have a church home. We were Catholic at that point (my husband was raised Catholic), but I didn’t care about the denomination, just the makeup of the denomination – so I did parking lot tours before services to see the makeup of local churches.

Then came the moment which totally changed my life. We were invited by a neighborhood family to attend their church. For the first time in my life, I really studied the Bible because my friend took the time to go through the Bible with me, putting it on a personal level. I started actually praying, not just thinking that the hard times were punishments, but realizing God was just waiting for me to pay attention to Him. Finally, after 30 years, I had a personal relationship with Him. I was baptized as an adult – but this time, when I came up out of the water, I truly felt reborn and the heavy weight I’d carried for so many years was gone – the Resurrection became personal that day. From that day forward, I was able to accept the forgiveness Jesus had always had for me. I forgave myself for what had happened. I was able to let go of what had happened to me. Jesus became real.

If I didn’t have a personal relationship with Jesus, I don’t know if I would have survived Mark’s death four years ago. It was sudden – one minute, we were planning our 20^th anniversary trip for two years out, and a week and a half later, he was gone. The man who had known every single thing there was to know about me, and loved me anyway, was gone. But God had put us in this church, and the Resurrection became more than personal – I started seeing it in others. People I hadn’t known before showed Christ’s love to me at a time when it would have been so easy for me to fall away. Like [a church couple] – they hadn’t really known me before, but they came to Mark’s service to support me. When I didn’t want to leave the house, I had to, because [the Princess] had youth group trips to attend, and [the Prince] would want to attend IW. When I couldn’t bring myself to go to a Bible class by myself when the children were in their classes, God stepped forward and had [Bible class teacher] ask me for help she really didn’t need in Cradle Roll. When I couldn’t bring myself to enter the worship service without Mark, God sent [my friend] to tell me she expected me to sit by her and [her husband]. When I wanted to sit at home and hide, He sent [my friend] to drag me out of the house to help her with a women’s ministry function. And many, many more in this congregation. 

Random Thursday

I haven't posted in a bit (so much for writing more!), so I thought I'd do a random listing:


1) The two songs guaranteed to bring tears to my eyes are "It Is Well with My Soul" and "Battle Hymn of the Republic." The first due to it being sung at my husband's funeral, as well as being one of my grandpa's favorite hymns and sung at every family reunion. The second due to the third verse - it speaks to my soul every time.


2) I could eat some form of potato at every meal and be happy. Forget dessert, give me starchy potatoes!


3) Maxi dresses and long skirts always look so cute on the hanger, but look ridiculous on me with my short, stumpy legs. I've always wanted to wear them, but they never quite work out.


4) I'm definitely a cat person, but I still miss my sweet old boy. He was such a love.



5) As much as I love winter and snow, this endless winter is getting on my nerves. After five months of snow, I'm ready for it to go away.

6) Spending time with my sweet little five-year-old friend always brings a smile to my face. And when he says "Love you, Miss J.," without hesitation, my heart turns to mush.

Happy Thursday!

Lost & Found

Recently, I chaperoned our church youth group's trip to Winterfest in Gatlinburg, TN. One of the days, the group "Lost & Found" performed; this is a group that the Princess and I both loved. They performed a song called "Baby" that just made my mama's heart ache:

I hurt for those that have never known a mama's love. Each time I look at my children, there is such a fierce love in my heart for them, and it hurts me to think there are children and people out there who don't know such a love. It's made me start to think what I can do to show love to people I encounter in any form. Whether it be a smile, letting someone turn on to a busy street, anything.

1 Timothy 2:1-6 I urge, then, first of all, that petitions, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for all people — for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. This is good, and pleases God our Savior, who wants all people to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth. For there is one God and one mediator between God and mankind, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all people.

Yarn Along

This will be my first Yarn Along with Ginny of the blog, Small Things. I've often thought about participating, but have not blogged enough in the past to do so. The Princess thinks this would be a good idea, however, so here we go!

Currently, I'm reading the book "Threadbare" by Monica Ferris. It is a cozy mystery, which are my favorite type of fiction. Especially if they involve knitting or needlework of any type, and are a series. "Threadbare" is book 15, in a (so far) 16 book series. Since my days are busy and stressful many times, what little down time I have, I like to read and knit, and this book involves two of my favorite activities! 

My daughter loves scarves, and so I am making her a new infinity scarf. It is a simple pattern - K1, *P1, K1 each row for 24 stitches across. While I didn't remember to look at the yarn, I know that it is from Hobby Lobby, and I'm using US size 11 needles. Since she loved the first one I made her earlier this winter, and wears it all the time, she wanted another choice to wear. Maybe I'll finish it by next winter! (The first one I made was with Spud & Chloë outer yarn in Rhino.) This is what the first scarf looked like:

Hopefully, by next week I'll be on a new book. I know I'll still be knitting the same scarf!

My First Wednesday Hodgepodge

1. What's the biggest change since your childhood in the way people think or act?
 I remember running around outside without my mom ever really knowing where I was. I knew I had to be home by dinner, and that was about it. She'd yell for me outside if I needed to be home sooner. These days, I'd never dream of letting my child do that as I don't feel it is safe, which is sad. My children have had less freedom than I did, because the world doesn't feel as safe now.

2. The Olympic Biathlon involves cross country skiing broken up with either two or four rounds of target shooting. Which part of that would stress you out more? Or would you love them both equally?

 The skiing would stress me out, as I've never learned to like exercise. The shooting would be fun - my grandpa was a hunter, and he'd try to teach me to shoot at targets, but I wasn't very good.

3. February is National Canned Food Month...what is your most often purchased canned food item?  What was in the last can you opened?

 Diced tomatos - my current favorite dish to make for myself is linguine w/diced tomatos, chicken, onions, and parmesan cheese. Throw in a bit of cracked red pepper, and it is delicious. The last can I opened was actually diced tomatos, although it was for taco soup.

4. What river (anywhere in the world) would you most like to cruise?

 I grew up canoeing on the Sangamon River. That would be fun to do again. However, for a cruise, probably the mighty Mississippi - that would be pretty sweet.

5. It's the middle of the night and you can't sleep...what do you do? Count sheep? Toss and turn? Watch television? Or do you get up and do something productive?

 This happens to me frequently. I usually do a combination of productive and wasting time, either doing laundry or the dishes and watching tv or playing on the computer.

6. How important is keeping your cool?

 It is more important, and I should do so more often. My children definitely chill out quicker if I don't start yelling when upset with them.

7. I've got white stuff on the brain so why not run with it? White lie, wave the white flag, white knuckle it, white wash a situation, or white as a sheet...which phrase could most recently apply to your own life in some way?

 Probably white lie, unfortunately. When I struggle in life, I don't like people to know, as I don't want people to feel sorry for me. So I don't share and say all is going fine when asked.

8. Insert your own random thought here.

My weekends are so busy, and I really want one where nothing is planned and I can knit and catch up on my favorite shows. Maybe in April!

Loneliness

Lately, I've been struggling with feelings of loneliness. This didn't make sense to me. I have family that loves me, and friends around me. So why the loneliness?


The problem, as I currently see it, is that my friends and family all want to help me - which is very much appreciated. This is a very nice thing, very helpful, but I don't always need help or need an ear. Sometimes, I want to be the ear for them. Sometimes, I want to go out to dinner or a movie, not because I need an escape, but just to spend time with a person talking about anything other than my problems.


It is almost like people don't know what to do with me if I'm not experiencing an issue. (And believe me, I've plenty of those!) I'd like to be treated as a trusted friend, not a friend who has much on her shoulders.


But how to express this? I don't want to sound ungrateful or cranky - while the cranky part does fit at times, the ungrateful part never does. It is such a blessing to have so many willing to help. But every once in a while, I'd like to forget that I've needed help, and I'd like to do the helping. Or at the very least, be the friend who you think of when you want to just hang out.

Heartache

So what does one do when your heart hurts, and there is nothing to be done? When it is a family member's pain, and you can't fix it, or them, and you feel that pain in the pit of your stomach? These are the times when prayer is hard, and faith seems far away.

Here's to trying anyway.

Should I Even Have a Blog?

There are times I wonder why I have this blog. I often think about how I am feeling, wishing I could get out my emotions without over-burdening the few people I feel I can share with - but usually, I'm not at home with my computer. Who knows, maybe I will type out a bit more. After all, this could be my form of a diary.

Heaven Can't Wait

Today is one of those days that heaven can't wait for me. I have a job I enjoy, marvelous children, a family who loves and cares for me, and yet the feelings of lonliness sometimes threaten to overwhelm me. When will these feelings end? When will I stop feeling alone? It seems like the more time that passes from when Mark died, the more the darkness grows in the pit of my stomache. Not every day, not often, but every once in a while, the grief is so great that I want to hide from everyone, including my children. Those are the times that I truly realized Mark was more than a husband - he was my very best friend. And while there are people that would listen to me express those feelings, I don't feel that they would understand my emotions after 2+ years not seeming to have improved. How could they, when I don't understand myself. I. Do. Not. Like. Being. A. Widow.

Don't Mess Up

Last night, the princess opened up to me about some situations that are going on at school with which she is struggling. It was when she was laying in bed, right before going to sleep. (Isn't that when our children always tell us the important things?) I gave her my view on how to handle the situation, what I thought might be going on in the other person's head. She listened, added a few things, and we said our usual nighttime routine talk. I went to bed feeling good that she had opened up to me.

But then, around 3:00 a.m., I woke up with a start. I begin thinking, I hope I am not messing this up. At her age, it is not often she opens her heart about how she is feeling with school issues. I am an old mom, what do I know? This time, she took a chance with me, talking to me about something important to her. I don't want to mess up these opportunities. I want her to feel like her mom will listen, giving advice only when asked, listening always when needed. Did I overshare, go on too long? Did I really hear the undercurrent of what she was saying/asking? All I can do is keep praying that God keeps her heart open to her mom and Him. And that I don't mess up this motherhood of teens.

Full House

So right now I have a full house. The princess has two friends spending the night, and the prince has one friend over. A sleepover the night before the one morning I could sleep in for quite a while? What am I thinking?!

I am thinking that my girl needs to have some time with friends who love her. And the prince hasn't ever had someone sleep over other than cousins. He is so happy. I'd rather be tired and hear happiness in my children's voices than sleep a couple of extra hours. Sleep I can catch up on (someday!) - happiness for my children should be grabbed whenever possible.

But I might be grumpy tomorrow.... :-)

Life

It is almost 4 in the morning, and I've been up since before 2 a.m. Why? I don't really know. Maybe the train outside, maybe the thoughts running through my head. So here is a bit of random.

I still miss Mark greatly. Every day, I realize more and more how much of a friend he was to me. He was more than just my husband. He was my best friend. The person who knew every single thing about me and loved me anyway. He knew all of my secrets.

Going through life without a dad is becoming more difficult for my Princess. Especially these teen years. Every time she sees a friend with a father, she withdraws a bit more from activities. More and more time is spent with me - which I love, but I wish it wasn't because she was hurting. And it doesn't seem like many understand why it is still so difficult for her. After all, it has been over a year and a half. But what people don't realize, is that the first year is like a vacuum - you focus on just getting through the day. Then you start to realize what happened. Reality sets in.

There are times when I feel like I'm not enough for my children. That in some way, my only-parent parenting won't be enough. There is no back-up, and it is so hard to feel like I'm doing right by them. As such, I'm spending quite a bit of time in prayer.

Obviously, it isn't the easiest of days. I should go get at least another hour of sleep. But that probably won't happen.

Gee, those trains are loud tonight/this morning.

Merry Christmas Eve, Mark!

Merry Christmas, Mark. You are missed and loved every day. We think of you all the time, and not a day goes by without one of us talking about a memory of you.

We love you. Enjoy this holiday in Heaven.

The Holidays

So I thought the holidays wouldn't be a problem. We'd have my parents here for both, and while there might be sadness, we'd get through okay. But the closer they come, the more I realize it will be harder than anticipated. Part of the problem? Two words - Christmas shopping. I have no desire to go shopping. My children deserve to celebrate, but I don't want to go shopping for presents, either at the stores or online.

So what do I do?

I Wish

I wish someone besides me remembered the day Mark died every month.

I wish I could get enough energy and where-with-all to do housework every day.

I wish my children would do their schoolwork completely and turn it all in on time.

I wish there weren't so many things in the house that seem to need fixing.

I wish I would stop feeling sorry for myself.

I wish exercise came more naturally to me.

I wish I prayed and read the Bible more.

I wish that my feelings were more charitable towards others.

I wish I would stop feeling that shade of sadness behind everything I do.

Too many wishes. Perhaps some day the wishes will be reality.

In the meantime, this video expresses my silent plea.