Loneliness

Lately, I've been struggling with feelings of loneliness. This didn't make sense to me. I have family that loves me, and friends around me. So why the loneliness?


The problem, as I currently see it, is that my friends and family all want to help me - which is very much appreciated. This is a very nice thing, very helpful, but I don't always need help or need an ear. Sometimes, I want to be the ear for them. Sometimes, I want to go out to dinner or a movie, not because I need an escape, but just to spend time with a person talking about anything other than my problems.


It is almost like people don't know what to do with me if I'm not experiencing an issue. (And believe me, I've plenty of those!) I'd like to be treated as a trusted friend, not a friend who has much on her shoulders.


But how to express this? I don't want to sound ungrateful or cranky - while the cranky part does fit at times, the ungrateful part never does. It is such a blessing to have so many willing to help. But every once in a while, I'd like to forget that I've needed help, and I'd like to do the helping. Or at the very least, be the friend who you think of when you want to just hang out.

Heartache

So what does one do when your heart hurts, and there is nothing to be done? When it is a family member's pain, and you can't fix it, or them, and you feel that pain in the pit of your stomach? These are the times when prayer is hard, and faith seems far away.

Here's to trying anyway.

Should I Even Have a Blog?

There are times I wonder why I have this blog. I often think about how I am feeling, wishing I could get out my emotions without over-burdening the few people I feel I can share with - but usually, I'm not at home with my computer. Who knows, maybe I will type out a bit more. After all, this could be my form of a diary.

Heaven Can't Wait

Today is one of those days that heaven can't wait for me. I have a job I enjoy, marvelous children, a family who loves and cares for me, and yet the feelings of lonliness sometimes threaten to overwhelm me. When will these feelings end? When will I stop feeling alone? It seems like the more time that passes from when Mark died, the more the darkness grows in the pit of my stomache. Not every day, not often, but every once in a while, the grief is so great that I want to hide from everyone, including my children. Those are the times that I truly realized Mark was more than a husband - he was my very best friend. And while there are people that would listen to me express those feelings, I don't feel that they would understand my emotions after 2+ years not seeming to have improved. How could they, when I don't understand myself. I. Do. Not. Like. Being. A. Widow.

Don't Mess Up

Last night, the princess opened up to me about some situations that are going on at school with which she is struggling. It was when she was laying in bed, right before going to sleep. (Isn't that when our children always tell us the important things?) I gave her my view on how to handle the situation, what I thought might be going on in the other person's head. She listened, added a few things, and we said our usual nighttime routine talk. I went to bed feeling good that she had opened up to me.

But then, around 3:00 a.m., I woke up with a start. I begin thinking, I hope I am not messing this up. At her age, it is not often she opens her heart about how she is feeling with school issues. I am an old mom, what do I know? This time, she took a chance with me, talking to me about something important to her. I don't want to mess up these opportunities. I want her to feel like her mom will listen, giving advice only when asked, listening always when needed. Did I overshare, go on too long? Did I really hear the undercurrent of what she was saying/asking? All I can do is keep praying that God keeps her heart open to her mom and Him. And that I don't mess up this motherhood of teens.

Full House

So right now I have a full house. The princess has two friends spending the night, and the prince has one friend over. A sleepover the night before the one morning I could sleep in for quite a while? What am I thinking?!

I am thinking that my girl needs to have some time with friends who love her. And the prince hasn't ever had someone sleep over other than cousins. He is so happy. I'd rather be tired and hear happiness in my children's voices than sleep a couple of extra hours. Sleep I can catch up on (someday!) - happiness for my children should be grabbed whenever possible.

But I might be grumpy tomorrow.... :-)

Life

It is almost 4 in the morning, and I've been up since before 2 a.m. Why? I don't really know. Maybe the train outside, maybe the thoughts running through my head. So here is a bit of random.

I still miss Mark greatly. Every day, I realize more and more how much of a friend he was to me. He was more than just my husband. He was my best friend. The person who knew every single thing about me and loved me anyway. He knew all of my secrets.

Going through life without a dad is becoming more difficult for my Princess. Especially these teen years. Every time she sees a friend with a father, she withdraws a bit more from activities. More and more time is spent with me - which I love, but I wish it wasn't because she was hurting. And it doesn't seem like many understand why it is still so difficult for her. After all, it has been over a year and a half. But what people don't realize, is that the first year is like a vacuum - you focus on just getting through the day. Then you start to realize what happened. Reality sets in.

There are times when I feel like I'm not enough for my children. That in some way, my only-parent parenting won't be enough. There is no back-up, and it is so hard to feel like I'm doing right by them. As such, I'm spending quite a bit of time in prayer.

Obviously, it isn't the easiest of days. I should go get at least another hour of sleep. But that probably won't happen.

Gee, those trains are loud tonight/this morning.