It is almost 4 in the morning, and I've been up since before 2 a.m. Why? I don't really know. Maybe the train outside, maybe the thoughts running through my head. So here is a bit of random.
I still miss Mark greatly. Every day, I realize more and more how much of a friend he was to me. He was more than just my husband. He was my best friend. The person who knew every single thing about me and loved me anyway. He knew all of my secrets.
Going through life without a dad is becoming more difficult for my Princess. Especially these teen years. Every time she sees a friend with a father, she withdraws a bit more from activities. More and more time is spent with me - which I love, but I wish it wasn't because she was hurting. And it doesn't seem like many understand why it is still so difficult for her. After all, it has been over a year and a half. But what people don't realize, is that the first year is like a vacuum - you focus on just getting through the day. Then you start to realize what happened. Reality sets in.
There are times when I feel like I'm not enough for my children. That in some way, my only-parent parenting won't be enough. There is no back-up, and it is so hard to feel like I'm doing right by them. As such, I'm spending quite a bit of time in prayer.
Obviously, it isn't the easiest of days. I should go get at least another hour of sleep. But that probably won't happen.
Gee, those trains are loud tonight/this morning.
