A Personal Testimony

On Easter Sunday, our minister asked me to share my story in regards to the Resurrection. It was one of the most uncomfortable moments I have experienced, as speaking in public is not my forté. However, I spoke without (verbally) stumbling, and have decided to share what I said publicly. Below is what I had written out prior to speaking - it contains most of what I shared:

I am the third and youngest child of (now retired) a college professor/historian and an elementary school teacher, born and raised here in IL. We went to church every Sunday (American Baptist), I went to youth group every Sunday night, and choir practice on Wednesdays. While I knew how people who believed should act from my parents’ example, faith didn’t really connect with me. I never really prayed over situations, thanked God for blessings or asked for help in serious situations. When I was baptized as a teen, I believed in God, but I went forward only because all of my friends had been baptized, and I didn’t want to be the only one who didn’t take communion on the first Sunday of the month in my row. I hadn’t really accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior.

My life was stereotypically normal of a middle-class, Midwestern family. I went to school, to church, had a part-time job. My teen years did have trials and struggles, but I just pushed my way through them and did as expected of me. Graduated high school, and went to college. (U of I, btw – Go Illini!)  All this time, people would have said I was a good Christian girl, but it was really just face value. I didn’t have a personal relationship with God. After college graduation, I started to break free a bit from what was expected – I went in to the Peace Corps in Guatemala.

Here I was, a prim and proper Midwestern girl in a totally unfamiliar setting, teaching people about family gardening in a language that was the second language for both myself and the people I was teaching. Bit by bit, I adjusted, became comfortable. By then, I never really thought about God or religion/faith. I never even prayed at all. But then, I was raped by a former boyfriend. For months I didn’t tell anyone, hiding in my house, cringing every time a bus would come through the village. I wondered why God had allowed this to happen to me. It was the first time in quite a while that I thought about God at all – and it was only because of this crisis. I still didn’t turn to Jesus for help, but instead I pushed through, only telling a few people (because I needed some medical tests), and behaved in some ways of which I am not proud, not realizing that what I was doing not only hurting myself but others. Ignoring God.

I met my husband in Guatemala months after this happened – Mark was attached to the embassy; we were married after my tour was up and I went to live in Africa, where he was stationed after Guatemala, for a year before returning stateside. While Mark knew what had happened to me, I still didn’t really talk about it or deal with it, pushing it away. We tried to get pregnant for a couple of years, even going through infertility treatments, but I never could get pregnant. I started to think about God again, but not in a “let me turn to You” manner, but thinking that He was punishing me for what I’d done in response to being raped. I started praying again, this time asking for forgiveness, pleading for a child in whatever manner possible. I still felt like I was being punished, but finally He was starting to make me see that not getting pregnant wasn’t a punishment, but a blessing. That our family was meant to grow through adoption – with my wonderful children, [the prince], & my sweet [princess].

Once we had the children, I wanted to raise them in a church that looked like our family – multicultural. Honestly, I didn’t give much thought to the faith aspect; I just wanted them to have a church home. We were Catholic at that point (my husband was raised Catholic), but I didn’t care about the denomination, just the makeup of the denomination – so I did parking lot tours before services to see the makeup of local churches.

Then came the moment which totally changed my life. We were invited by a neighborhood family to attend their church. For the first time in my life, I really studied the Bible because my friend took the time to go through the Bible with me, putting it on a personal level. I started actually praying, not just thinking that the hard times were punishments, but realizing God was just waiting for me to pay attention to Him. Finally, after 30 years, I had a personal relationship with Him. I was baptized as an adult – but this time, when I came up out of the water, I truly felt reborn and the heavy weight I’d carried for so many years was gone – the Resurrection became personal that day. From that day forward, I was able to accept the forgiveness Jesus had always had for me. I forgave myself for what had happened. I was able to let go of what had happened to me. Jesus became real.

If I didn’t have a personal relationship with Jesus, I don’t know if I would have survived Mark’s death four years ago. It was sudden – one minute, we were planning our 20^th anniversary trip for two years out, and a week and a half later, he was gone. The man who had known every single thing there was to know about me, and loved me anyway, was gone. But God had put us in this church, and the Resurrection became more than personal – I started seeing it in others. People I hadn’t known before showed Christ’s love to me at a time when it would have been so easy for me to fall away. Like [a church couple] – they hadn’t really known me before, but they came to Mark’s service to support me. When I didn’t want to leave the house, I had to, because [the Princess] had youth group trips to attend, and [the Prince] would want to attend IW. When I couldn’t bring myself to go to a Bible class by myself when the children were in their classes, God stepped forward and had [Bible class teacher] ask me for help she really didn’t need in Cradle Roll. When I couldn’t bring myself to enter the worship service without Mark, God sent [my friend] to tell me she expected me to sit by her and [her husband]. When I wanted to sit at home and hide, He sent [my friend] to drag me out of the house to help her with a women’s ministry function. And many, many more in this congregation. 

Random Thursday

I haven't posted in a bit (so much for writing more!), so I thought I'd do a random listing:


1) The two songs guaranteed to bring tears to my eyes are "It Is Well with My Soul" and "Battle Hymn of the Republic." The first due to it being sung at my husband's funeral, as well as being one of my grandpa's favorite hymns and sung at every family reunion. The second due to the third verse - it speaks to my soul every time.


2) I could eat some form of potato at every meal and be happy. Forget dessert, give me starchy potatoes!


3) Maxi dresses and long skirts always look so cute on the hanger, but look ridiculous on me with my short, stumpy legs. I've always wanted to wear them, but they never quite work out.


4) I'm definitely a cat person, but I still miss my sweet old boy. He was such a love.



5) As much as I love winter and snow, this endless winter is getting on my nerves. After five months of snow, I'm ready for it to go away.

6) Spending time with my sweet little five-year-old friend always brings a smile to my face. And when he says "Love you, Miss J.," without hesitation, my heart turns to mush.

Happy Thursday!

Lost & Found

Recently, I chaperoned our church youth group's trip to Winterfest in Gatlinburg, TN. One of the days, the group "Lost & Found" performed; this is a group that the Princess and I both loved. They performed a song called "Baby" that just made my mama's heart ache:

I hurt for those that have never known a mama's love. Each time I look at my children, there is such a fierce love in my heart for them, and it hurts me to think there are children and people out there who don't know such a love. It's made me start to think what I can do to show love to people I encounter in any form. Whether it be a smile, letting someone turn on to a busy street, anything.

1 Timothy 2:1-6 I urge, then, first of all, that petitions, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for all people — for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. This is good, and pleases God our Savior, who wants all people to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth. For there is one God and one mediator between God and mankind, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all people.

Yarn Along

This will be my first Yarn Along with Ginny of the blog, Small Things. I've often thought about participating, but have not blogged enough in the past to do so. The Princess thinks this would be a good idea, however, so here we go!

Currently, I'm reading the book "Threadbare" by Monica Ferris. It is a cozy mystery, which are my favorite type of fiction. Especially if they involve knitting or needlework of any type, and are a series. "Threadbare" is book 15, in a (so far) 16 book series. Since my days are busy and stressful many times, what little down time I have, I like to read and knit, and this book involves two of my favorite activities! 

My daughter loves scarves, and so I am making her a new infinity scarf. It is a simple pattern - K1, *P1, K1 each row for 24 stitches across. While I didn't remember to look at the yarn, I know that it is from Hobby Lobby, and I'm using US size 11 needles. Since she loved the first one I made her earlier this winter, and wears it all the time, she wanted another choice to wear. Maybe I'll finish it by next winter! (The first one I made was with Spud & Chloë outer yarn in Rhino.) This is what the first scarf looked like:

Hopefully, by next week I'll be on a new book. I know I'll still be knitting the same scarf!

My First Wednesday Hodgepodge

1. What's the biggest change since your childhood in the way people think or act?
 I remember running around outside without my mom ever really knowing where I was. I knew I had to be home by dinner, and that was about it. She'd yell for me outside if I needed to be home sooner. These days, I'd never dream of letting my child do that as I don't feel it is safe, which is sad. My children have had less freedom than I did, because the world doesn't feel as safe now.

2. The Olympic Biathlon involves cross country skiing broken up with either two or four rounds of target shooting. Which part of that would stress you out more? Or would you love them both equally?

 The skiing would stress me out, as I've never learned to like exercise. The shooting would be fun - my grandpa was a hunter, and he'd try to teach me to shoot at targets, but I wasn't very good.

3. February is National Canned Food Month...what is your most often purchased canned food item?  What was in the last can you opened?

 Diced tomatos - my current favorite dish to make for myself is linguine w/diced tomatos, chicken, onions, and parmesan cheese. Throw in a bit of cracked red pepper, and it is delicious. The last can I opened was actually diced tomatos, although it was for taco soup.

4. What river (anywhere in the world) would you most like to cruise?

 I grew up canoeing on the Sangamon River. That would be fun to do again. However, for a cruise, probably the mighty Mississippi - that would be pretty sweet.

5. It's the middle of the night and you can't sleep...what do you do? Count sheep? Toss and turn? Watch television? Or do you get up and do something productive?

 This happens to me frequently. I usually do a combination of productive and wasting time, either doing laundry or the dishes and watching tv or playing on the computer.

6. How important is keeping your cool?

 It is more important, and I should do so more often. My children definitely chill out quicker if I don't start yelling when upset with them.

7. I've got white stuff on the brain so why not run with it? White lie, wave the white flag, white knuckle it, white wash a situation, or white as a sheet...which phrase could most recently apply to your own life in some way?

 Probably white lie, unfortunately. When I struggle in life, I don't like people to know, as I don't want people to feel sorry for me. So I don't share and say all is going fine when asked.

8. Insert your own random thought here.

My weekends are so busy, and I really want one where nothing is planned and I can knit and catch up on my favorite shows. Maybe in April!

Loneliness

Lately, I've been struggling with feelings of loneliness. This didn't make sense to me. I have family that loves me, and friends around me. So why the loneliness?


The problem, as I currently see it, is that my friends and family all want to help me - which is very much appreciated. This is a very nice thing, very helpful, but I don't always need help or need an ear. Sometimes, I want to be the ear for them. Sometimes, I want to go out to dinner or a movie, not because I need an escape, but just to spend time with a person talking about anything other than my problems.


It is almost like people don't know what to do with me if I'm not experiencing an issue. (And believe me, I've plenty of those!) I'd like to be treated as a trusted friend, not a friend who has much on her shoulders.


But how to express this? I don't want to sound ungrateful or cranky - while the cranky part does fit at times, the ungrateful part never does. It is such a blessing to have so many willing to help. But every once in a while, I'd like to forget that I've needed help, and I'd like to do the helping. Or at the very least, be the friend who you think of when you want to just hang out.