Heaven Can't Wait

Today is one of those days that heaven can't wait for me. I have a job I enjoy, marvelous children, a family who loves and cares for me, and yet the feelings of lonliness sometimes threaten to overwhelm me. When will these feelings end? When will I stop feeling alone? It seems like the more time that passes from when Mark died, the more the darkness grows in the pit of my stomache. Not every day, not often, but every once in a while, the grief is so great that I want to hide from everyone, including my children. Those are the times that I truly realized Mark was more than a husband - he was my very best friend. And while there are people that would listen to me express those feelings, I don't feel that they would understand my emotions after 2+ years not seeming to have improved. How could they, when I don't understand myself. I. Do. Not. Like. Being. A. Widow.

Don't Mess Up

Last night, the princess opened up to me about some situations that are going on at school with which she is struggling. It was when she was laying in bed, right before going to sleep. (Isn't that when our children always tell us the important things?) I gave her my view on how to handle the situation, what I thought might be going on in the other person's head. She listened, added a few things, and we said our usual nighttime routine talk. I went to bed feeling good that she had opened up to me.

But then, around 3:00 a.m., I woke up with a start. I begin thinking, I hope I am not messing this up. At her age, it is not often she opens her heart about how she is feeling with school issues. I am an old mom, what do I know? This time, she took a chance with me, talking to me about something important to her. I don't want to mess up these opportunities. I want her to feel like her mom will listen, giving advice only when asked, listening always when needed. Did I overshare, go on too long? Did I really hear the undercurrent of what she was saying/asking? All I can do is keep praying that God keeps her heart open to her mom and Him. And that I don't mess up this motherhood of teens.