Yarn Along

This will be my first Yarn Along with Ginny of the blog, Small Things. I've often thought about participating, but have not blogged enough in the past to do so. The Princess thinks this would be a good idea, however, so here we go!

Currently, I'm reading the book "Threadbare" by Monica Ferris. It is a cozy mystery, which are my favorite type of fiction. Especially if they involve knitting or needlework of any type, and are a series. "Threadbare" is book 15, in a (so far) 16 book series. Since my days are busy and stressful many times, what little down time I have, I like to read and knit, and this book involves two of my favorite activities! 

My daughter loves scarves, and so I am making her a new infinity scarf. It is a simple pattern - K1, *P1, K1 each row for 24 stitches across. While I didn't remember to look at the yarn, I know that it is from Hobby Lobby, and I'm using US size 11 needles. Since she loved the first one I made her earlier this winter, and wears it all the time, she wanted another choice to wear. Maybe I'll finish it by next winter! (The first one I made was with Spud & Chloë outer yarn in Rhino.) This is what the first scarf looked like:

Hopefully, by next week I'll be on a new book. I know I'll still be knitting the same scarf!

My First Wednesday Hodgepodge

1. What's the biggest change since your childhood in the way people think or act?
 I remember running around outside without my mom ever really knowing where I was. I knew I had to be home by dinner, and that was about it. She'd yell for me outside if I needed to be home sooner. These days, I'd never dream of letting my child do that as I don't feel it is safe, which is sad. My children have had less freedom than I did, because the world doesn't feel as safe now.

2. The Olympic Biathlon involves cross country skiing broken up with either two or four rounds of target shooting. Which part of that would stress you out more? Or would you love them both equally?

 The skiing would stress me out, as I've never learned to like exercise. The shooting would be fun - my grandpa was a hunter, and he'd try to teach me to shoot at targets, but I wasn't very good.

3. February is National Canned Food Month...what is your most often purchased canned food item?  What was in the last can you opened?

 Diced tomatos - my current favorite dish to make for myself is linguine w/diced tomatos, chicken, onions, and parmesan cheese. Throw in a bit of cracked red pepper, and it is delicious. The last can I opened was actually diced tomatos, although it was for taco soup.

4. What river (anywhere in the world) would you most like to cruise?

 I grew up canoeing on the Sangamon River. That would be fun to do again. However, for a cruise, probably the mighty Mississippi - that would be pretty sweet.

5. It's the middle of the night and you can't sleep...what do you do? Count sheep? Toss and turn? Watch television? Or do you get up and do something productive?

 This happens to me frequently. I usually do a combination of productive and wasting time, either doing laundry or the dishes and watching tv or playing on the computer.

6. How important is keeping your cool?

 It is more important, and I should do so more often. My children definitely chill out quicker if I don't start yelling when upset with them.

7. I've got white stuff on the brain so why not run with it? White lie, wave the white flag, white knuckle it, white wash a situation, or white as a sheet...which phrase could most recently apply to your own life in some way?

 Probably white lie, unfortunately. When I struggle in life, I don't like people to know, as I don't want people to feel sorry for me. So I don't share and say all is going fine when asked.

8. Insert your own random thought here.

My weekends are so busy, and I really want one where nothing is planned and I can knit and catch up on my favorite shows. Maybe in April!

Loneliness

Lately, I've been struggling with feelings of loneliness. This didn't make sense to me. I have family that loves me, and friends around me. So why the loneliness?


The problem, as I currently see it, is that my friends and family all want to help me - which is very much appreciated. This is a very nice thing, very helpful, but I don't always need help or need an ear. Sometimes, I want to be the ear for them. Sometimes, I want to go out to dinner or a movie, not because I need an escape, but just to spend time with a person talking about anything other than my problems.


It is almost like people don't know what to do with me if I'm not experiencing an issue. (And believe me, I've plenty of those!) I'd like to be treated as a trusted friend, not a friend who has much on her shoulders.


But how to express this? I don't want to sound ungrateful or cranky - while the cranky part does fit at times, the ungrateful part never does. It is such a blessing to have so many willing to help. But every once in a while, I'd like to forget that I've needed help, and I'd like to do the helping. Or at the very least, be the friend who you think of when you want to just hang out.

Heartache

So what does one do when your heart hurts, and there is nothing to be done? When it is a family member's pain, and you can't fix it, or them, and you feel that pain in the pit of your stomach? These are the times when prayer is hard, and faith seems far away.

Here's to trying anyway.

Should I Even Have a Blog?

There are times I wonder why I have this blog. I often think about how I am feeling, wishing I could get out my emotions without over-burdening the few people I feel I can share with - but usually, I'm not at home with my computer. Who knows, maybe I will type out a bit more. After all, this could be my form of a diary.

Heaven Can't Wait

Today is one of those days that heaven can't wait for me. I have a job I enjoy, marvelous children, a family who loves and cares for me, and yet the feelings of lonliness sometimes threaten to overwhelm me. When will these feelings end? When will I stop feeling alone? It seems like the more time that passes from when Mark died, the more the darkness grows in the pit of my stomache. Not every day, not often, but every once in a while, the grief is so great that I want to hide from everyone, including my children. Those are the times that I truly realized Mark was more than a husband - he was my very best friend. And while there are people that would listen to me express those feelings, I don't feel that they would understand my emotions after 2+ years not seeming to have improved. How could they, when I don't understand myself. I. Do. Not. Like. Being. A. Widow.

Don't Mess Up

Last night, the princess opened up to me about some situations that are going on at school with which she is struggling. It was when she was laying in bed, right before going to sleep. (Isn't that when our children always tell us the important things?) I gave her my view on how to handle the situation, what I thought might be going on in the other person's head. She listened, added a few things, and we said our usual nighttime routine talk. I went to bed feeling good that she had opened up to me.

But then, around 3:00 a.m., I woke up with a start. I begin thinking, I hope I am not messing this up. At her age, it is not often she opens her heart about how she is feeling with school issues. I am an old mom, what do I know? This time, she took a chance with me, talking to me about something important to her. I don't want to mess up these opportunities. I want her to feel like her mom will listen, giving advice only when asked, listening always when needed. Did I overshare, go on too long? Did I really hear the undercurrent of what she was saying/asking? All I can do is keep praying that God keeps her heart open to her mom and Him. And that I don't mess up this motherhood of teens.